Published: August 29, 2008 01:16 am            

STAWAR: Sometime perfect isn't enough

The other day I was surprised to hear our niece and nephew commiserate about some of the dreadful things my sister-in-law allegedly did to them as children.

Their grievances were hard to believe, since their mother is so devoted. However, the conversation did evoke memories for both my wife Diane and me. I didn’t say anything, although inwardly I realized that I was still grinding over how much I always disliked the name “Terry Lynn” and that I was forced to wear my hair in a crew cut throughout my childhood. For years I longed to be able to comb my hair in a part, like my best friend Charles. I eventually nagged my way to a flattop, but by the time I was old enough to let my hair grow out, it was already receding.

Diane brought up the saddle shoes she had to wear and how she desperately wanted a fashionable mohair sweater in high school, but ended up with a lime green one, long after they had gone out of style. She also complained about how her mother would only buy her white blouses and long dark skirts at Montgomery Wards. To achieve any color in her wardrobe, she had to go away to college, where she immediately cut off all her skirts by at least 6 inches.

But I think the winner of this “Ain’t It Awful” contest was our niece, Krista, who said, that as a child, she dreaded the fall because she always started out the new school year with a beauty parlor permanent. Although the permanent made her hair cute and curly, she couldn’t wash it for the first few days and evidently everyone on her school bus complained vehemently about the odor. It was easy to imagine a busload of irate kids with eyes burning from the toxic fumes.

Of course, many of us have been on both sides of this issue. It’s easy to come up with childhood grievances, but it’s harder to listen to them, when they come from your own children. I wonder where they get some of these ideas. To hear one of our sons describe his “deprived childhood,” he evidently believes he grew up among destitute share croppers during the great depression. I think most parents have good intentions and do the best they can, but sometimes it seems there is just no winning. An approach that worked for one child in the family may result in a complete disaster for another, and sometimes it seems like nothing works.

Sharon Begley, a science writer for Newsweek, may have some consolation for all of us, however. In a recent article she describes how individual biological differences among children are critical in regard to what parenting techniques work best. It seems that kids may not be nearly as plastic as we previously believed and each of them has a unique genetic make-up that goes a long way in determining how they will respond to experiences. One size definitely does not fit all.

There is a long running argument in psychology about what is most important in deciding human behavior — heredity or environment? Although most experts agree that there is some sort of interaction, many social scientists lean towards the environmental side, since it seems to offer a better chance for positive change and is more consistent with our egalitarian ideals. But biology will not be denied.

For example, parenting authorities have traditionally agreed that children learn best when allowed to make their own mistakes and experience the natural consequences of their behavior. Recent genetic research, however, shows that as many as 30 percent of all children may possess a genetic feature that effects their brain chemistry, so that they do not learn from their mistakes. They have an overall reduced capacity to avoid self-destructive behaviors, like substance abuse or gambling.

Identifying such differences among children has become a central theme in the modern field of child development. This has been spurred on by the progress in mapping the human genetic structure (the genome) and the rise of what has been called “personalized medicine.” In personalized medicine, treatment and drugs are specifically designed for a single individual with their unique genetic characteristics in mind. Such treatments are not effective for other people with different constitutions. Some experts believe that in the future there will be ways to genetically evaluate children and develop individualized parenting prescriptions based on these biological factors.

Recently I saw a magazine advertisement for a home DNA test to determine paternity. Such technology may advance so that parents will even be able to test children at home for specific genetic factors to help them figure out how best to deal with that particular child.

Genetic features are now able to predict which infants will benefit from breast feeding, in terms of increased intelligence later in life. Approximately 90 percent of children (those with a certain gene) average a gain of about 6 IQ points if they are breastfed. Genetic make-up also governs how poor parenting will effect children. There is even a specific gene that seems to inoculate children from the more detrimental effects of parental abuse and neglect.

Another surprising finding from research is that children with fussy temperaments profit more from parental guidance than easy-to-manage, low-keyed children. Begley cites the work of Professor Jay Belsky from Birkbeck University in London, who says that overly mellow children are like Teflon, and neither good nor bad parenting seems to stick. They simply are not all that engaged with others.

Fussy kids on the other hand, seem to have their antennae out to the social environment at all times and consequently respond better to parenting efforts. So parents of fussy kids take heart. Your fussy toddler may end up emotionally closer to you and share more of your values than that seemingly perfect kid across the street ever would.

While there are still some basic skills and techniques that all parents should consider using, personalized parenting may be just the answer to reduce some of those bitter childhood grievances. Perhaps science will even identify the genes governing our reactions to saddleshoes and permanents.

Terry L. Stawar, Ed.D. lives in Georgetown and is the CEO of LifeSpring the local community mental health center in Jeffersonville. He can be reached at tstawar@lifespr.com or 812-206-1234. Look for his Planet-Terry podcast coming this fall at www.lifepr.com.

        

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