Published: November 02, 2009 01:52 pm      

JOHNSON: Self-love run riot

In Greek mythology, Narcissus is a young man who sees his reflection in a pool for the first time and falls in love with it. He is doomed to remain by the pool, staring at himself, until he dies. That’s the extremely short version of the tale, and where we get the term “narcissism.”

Narcissism can be described as an extreme form of self love, so extreme that it renders the narcissist incapable of loving anyone other than themselves. This criminal attitude is dangerous to society, and may be at the root of a great deal of criminal/anti-social behavior.

If anyone is confused about the nature of love, it is the narcissist. While genuine love puts the other person ahead of oneself (greater love has no one than this; that one lay down one’s life for his friends), in the narcissist’s world, it’s all about them. They confuse love with need — “I must love her, because I need her so much;” desire — “I must love her, because I want her so much;” and control — “I must love her, because I get jealous if another guy talks to her. I have to know what she’s doing and who she’s with all the time.” The most used word in a narcissist’s vocabulary is “I.” It is always about them.

Narcissists cannot handle criticism of any kind; in their world, they are always right. Criticize them, and they will fly off the handle. They also have no problem exploiting other people for their own benefit. Their motto is “do unto others before they can do unto you.” They do not care if others are hurt by their actions, as long as they get what they want.

It is typical of the narcissist to feel special, even though they may not have actually achieved anything. Since they are “special,” society’s laws and rules don’t apply to them; they will not do anything they do not want to do. In their world, only fools and ordinary people work hard or plan ahead.

The only time that other people are “special” to the narcissist is when he wants to manipulate them; he also has unique problems that can only be understood by “special people.” Narcissists wallow in self-pity and seek sympathy. If they can get others to feel sorry for them, then they can use them to get what they want.

For the most part, narcissists live in a fantasy world of their own creation, and have unrealistic expectations about life. They believe that their ship will come in someday, but will do little or nothing to make their aspirations become real.

Otis Redding once sang about “sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the time roll away.” That’s where you’ll find the narcissist — lying around the dock dreaming about the good life, and doing nothing to secure it for himself. Narcissists believe that they deserve to have what they want, when they want it, and that other people should therefore give it to them. Working and waiting in line is for other people.

Narcissists require constant attention and admiration. If they cannot be the life of the party, then they don’t go to the party. If they can’t be rich, they will settle for being famous. They dominate conversations, and demand that people listen to what they have to say.

Narcissists feel lost when someone else gets all the attention; they are also pre-occupied with feelings of envy. They are frequently jealous. It drives them crazy when other people get what they want, and they don’t. They may lay awake at night, thinking about all the times they’ve been treated unfairly. It makes them angry that “the system” is so unfair.

Finally, narcissists lack empathy — the ability to put oneself in another person’s shoes and understand their pain. They do not care about other people’s problems, believing that other people wouldn’t have problems if they just got tougher; then they could handle life. The Lord helps those who help themselves, they’ll say.

Some believe that narcissistic people are incapable of loving others, or really love themselves so much that there is no room to love anyone else. They are generally incapable of showing true consideration for others. When dealing with a narcissist, don’t expect to see generosity, gratitude, honesty, integrity, modesty, or tact; these virtues are not characteristic of their thinking.

In the end, “What’s in it for me?” is a narcissist’s favorite question. This pretty much sums up the typical narcissist’s attitude: “I am number one; I can say anything, do anything, anytime, anywhere, to anyone I like, and no one can do anything about it.”

Narcissism is at the root of a great deal of criminal behavior. People who don’t care about other people will break the law and harm others without a second thought. People who care about others cannot enjoy the spoils of their criminal activity.

Self-love run riot is at the root of many of our society’s problems. The more time I spend working in criminal justice system ministry, the more persuaded I am that crime is only a symptom of society’s deeper issues.

In a culture that promotes and encourages narcissism, why are we surprised when self-centered, self-loving, and self-serving people behave in a manner consistent with what we are teaching them? We are only getting what we are paying for.