News and Tribune

April 14, 2013

CUMMINS: It’s a mad, mad round-ball globe


> SOUTHERN INDIANA — Dogs are fine unless they get rabies. Each March, most Americans are fine until catching a type of madness by watching young students run into a Roman-type coliseum and throw balls through what was originally a peach basket.

Schools of higher learning encourage this, because of the need for student-jocks to prepare for multi-million dollar NBA contracts. Those of us who are not students must work, but some of us escape from the emptiness of a non-athletic life, and in March board a bus to travel the road to the Final Four. For those of us, who don’t have a small fortune to march down this glory road, we sit stupefied in front of a television risking a heart attacks or divorce.

God is good because he permits this type madness only once each year, as is Christmas. People who live within the U of L, IU and UK axis of mad-dog madness should consider moving to an area where jamming a ball through a basket does not take priority over peace on earth and feeding children.

Although March Madness ends sadly with only one university setting fires and shouting, “We’re No. 1,” the madness in our lives does not end there. What is more maddening than April when you send stacks of ridiculous forms and a check to the IRS. It’s an Infernal Repository Service that transfers your money to Congress to fund drones, wars and education that always need larger stadiums. The IRS is the maddest thing ever devised by man. No, not by man, but by rabid politicians, who foam each time they growl.

 April goes into May when children go mad over Mother’s Day. They honor her, adore her and shower her with expensive gifts, while dad sits back anticipating Father’s Day. Anticipate it all you want dads, the mother reigns supreme just as Mary does, but Joseph should get some credit; he let Mary ride a donkey. On my best Father’s Day, I received a long-handle feather duster (true) to sweep away cobwebs, which is what Joseph did at the stable as do other dads making a contribution, too.

It’s too hot in the summer to exert one’s self into madness, although how about this surprising climate-change thing? The climate always changes, but ice melting in your refrigerator? What is God telling us, repent from what — guns, gay marriage or the Final Four and Super Bowl Sunday? Guns can drive you mad, especially now that you must pack heat and imagine teachers trained to fire a loaded one strapped to their side. I’ve known teachers tempted to use one on students.

The IRS is not the craziest thing in government, the election of the government is. The 2012 election was a circus displayed in a seething jungle where cannibals waited to devour you. Historians will scratch their heads trying to make sense of the senseless way we now elect a president.

 Throw a dart at the map, and it will likely hit a hot spot. Call it sheer madness in North Korea, Afghanistan and the surrounding Middle East. Britain and the Soviet Union tried conquering Afghanistan, but gave it up. Then we marched in to liberate and democratize them, going on 11 years. The Taliban and other notorious factions are indestructible. The root problem and eternal conflict go back to the sixth century when Islam split into two factions. In the midst of daily suicide bombings, and after nearly 11 years, our occupation there is, call it madness, or whatever.

The hottest spot now is North Korea. They detest South Korea, Japan and the USA so much they may send missiles toward us. Their leader, Kim Jong Un, inherited his country from his father, and their greatest claim to fame is starving their own people. Un is a young spoiled brat, who wears a funny haircut, but he’s a fan of the NBA and can’t be all bad.

Enter Dennis Rodman and perhaps a road to peace. A former great rebounder for the Chicago Bulls, he’d wear purple hair one night and orange the next. Recently, our nervous State Department found him in Pyongyang. They do not know how he got there, but he did and he talked basketball for hours with leader Un, possibly a potential Knicks’ point guard.

With rings hanging from his face, Dennis returned to report that the brat does not want war; he wants to talk to a basketball player named Obama, who should call him. Basketball has a better chance of bringing peace than missiles do.

Contact Terry Cummins at