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December 7, 2013

DODD: It’s time for the annual Christmas Parade

Lindon — “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a sunny but cold early December day on Court Avenue where we are about to enjoy another annual Jeffersonville Christmas Parade.

“Apparently the lineup sheet didn’t make it to the podium. I will have to describe the floats and figure them out as they pass by me. I am awaiting my co-host to arrive at any minute. I can see that well-coifed hair, that colorful tweed suit and the familiar possum-eating grin. He goes by many nicknames; Larry Legend, Larry Lawyer, and the Can Man. It’s Jeffersonville’s most famous and infamous attorney, Larry Wilder.”

Larry — “Thanks for inviting me Lindon. Here, I brought you a gift from my private collection.”

Lindon — “Gee, thanks, Larry, but I don’t think I have anything in my wardrobe that will go with these socks. I have heard of people having their colors done and being a spring or a fall. You’re the only one I know whose color is argyle. Here, throw that wrapper in the wastebasket for me.”

Larry — “Wastebasket! Don’t you mean the garbage can? That’s OK. I have heard all of the jokes. How about this one, “What’s worse than a lawyer in a garbage can? An empty garbage can!” (laughter)

Lindon — “That’s a good one counselor. I can see the first entry. It looks like mounted cowboys sporting six-shooters lining up for a race down Court Avenue.  There’s Jamey Noel sitting atop an elephant and Donnie Bowyer and Brian Meyer are riding double on a donkey. And I can see someone riding from behind trying to join them. It’s the independent candidate Mac Spainhour. I think he’s aboard some kind of a hybrid.

“Oh, I see, I think that’s a zebra with florescent paint of varying colors on the markings.”

Larry — “Do you think Mac can ride those changing stripes all the way to the finish line?”

Lindon — “I’m not sure, Larry, but it sure will be a first in the history of the sheriff’s race if the next first Tuesday in November turns out to be Independent’s Day.

“This is kind of unusual to see a houseboat rolling down Court Avenue. Larry, I think that guy on the boat wants to talk with you about something. He looks a bit confused. Hey, that’s my buddy and boat owner, and Hall-of-fame announcer skipper Teddy Throckmorton.”

Larry — “Teddy, yes, let me see the letter. No, I think that’s the second notice from the city. No, that’s the first one. Yes, that’s the third letter. I know what they told you sir, but this past week there was a change in that deadline. Well, oh heck, take my business card. I’ll be in touch.”

Lindon — “What was that about?”

Larry — “Well, he got confused. He thought he had to vacate the dock immediately and just kind of took a wrong turn onto the parade route. Ironically this is the only exhibit that isn’t considered a float right now.”

Lindon — “That one was pretty dry, doc. The Jeffersonville City Council float is next in line. It looks like a Christmas Carol scene where they are all dressed up like Ebenezer Scrooge. Just listen to them in unison, ‘Bah, humbug!’  while looking at a Christmas wish list.”

Larry — “According to my sources, they are reading the new list of Mayor Mike Moore’s wish-list proposals and projects for the next two years for the city of Jeffersonville.”

Lindon — “Yeah, I think some of them want to see the ghost of Mike Moore past in the next election.

“I can make out the next float. It’s the Greater Clark School Board of Trustees. It looks like a pirate ship and standing at the helm is Superintendent Dr. Andy Melin dressed like Capt. Jack Sparrow leading what was once a band of misfits in what has been an unusually long time of harmony for this board. Watch your back Jack Sparrow. The last Captain was a victim to a mutiny aboard his ship!”

Larry — “I miss the good old days of school board chaos.”

Lindon — “Spoken like a true former school board attorney with a retainer and hourly fee.

“It looks like we have a special visitor coming up to see us. It’s Gary McCowan, better known as Jeff’s own Cowboy.”

Cowboy — “Vote for Mike Moore for Mayor.” (Hands out mayor’s card).

Larry — “Cowboy, can I have one of those.” (Reading the card) “I think mine says Dennis Julius for Mayor.”

Lindon — “Good old cowboy never takes a chance on backing a loser. He will be with you all the way until halftime. I think I have seen him in campaign photos with both candidates.

“The next entry represents the Clark County judge candidates who have already announced their intentions to run. There’s Judge Joe Weber sitting in his old Model A. I see attorney Drew Adams waving to the crowd. Judge Dan Moore is handing out fliers as to where he will be conducting his next tribute speaking engagement. I think the next one’s either a Bar Mitzvah or a Jewish newborn’s Bris.”

Lindon — “Now, that trademark beard coming into view looks a bit familiar. Its Clark County’s own watchdog and serial blogger, Mike Hutt. I can’t quite make out the sign he’s carrying, can you?”

Larry — “I think it reads, ‘Revisit the Canal!’

“Old Mike Hutt turned out to be as loyal a supporter to the mayor as Cowboy except he didn’t even make it to halftime of the administration. He jumped ship faster than a Somali pirate on a marine war boat.”

Lindon — “Well, politicians make strange bedfellows.

“The time has come to see who will be wearing the big, red suit and riding the Santa float sleigh. I can’t quite make it out. It looks like an elf is in the big man’s chair. No, I can see now its retired larger than life Judge Clementine “Tiny” Barthold as this year’s Santa coming off her being awarded the Silver  Medallion by IU Southeast.

“I recently finished reading her life’s story. It was a fascinating read. Merry Christmas Judge!" ”

Larry — “I am going to have to rush out. I am catching a flight to Spain for lunch this afternoon.”

Lindon — “You are a world traveler. I just noticed this year that one of the local film crews is going to put some of our parade on the air. What do you think, Larry? Is this the big time, or, what, err, Larry. Where did he go?

“Uh-oh, it’s too late he spotted the live camera crew and now it’s on. This is better than the sheriff’s candidates ‘sprint down Court Avenue.’ Poor Renee Murphy has been spotted in the crowd. Now it’s on. “Run Renee, Run!” He’s right behind you. He only wants a sound bite. If he gets too close, just have a crew member fall over a crack in the sidewalk. Even money says he will stop, drop and whip out a business card

“Whatever you do, don’t stare into his eyes and keep the camera rolling at all times.

“Well, it’s time to wrap up another wonderful Christmas parade afternoon on Court Avenue in front of Warder Park. Renee, he can go all day if the camera light is on. It’s a mystery like that Loch Ness thing or like those pop rocks you put in your mouth.

“Nobody can explain his super human endurance for a camera lens. Hey, Larry, don’t forget the airport. You don’t want to miss your flight. It’s no use. He is in search of a different kind of air time for now.”

From Kim, Cameron and I, here’s wishing from our family to yours to have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

— Lindon Dodd is a freelance writer who can be reached at lindon.dodd@hotmail.com

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