Published: June 15, 2008 12:45 am            

GUERILLA MOTHERING: Oh, baby, baby it’s a wild world

What parent wouldn’t want a child who makes friends easily, treats others right, and is a pleasure to have around? Too many parents, I think.

When did it become fashionable to be unkind to strangers? When did courtesy and a good-natured smile become an exception, rather than the norm? I’m not just talking about kids. I mean adults, as well. Whether it’s an elected leader flipping the bird into a TV camera, or a grandmother cursing a blue streak at the neighborhood playground, I feel sometimes like I’m fighting an uphill battle, trying to teach my kids to be pleasant while exposing them to so many nasty elders.

Good manners, whether you’re invoking them yourself or instilling them in others, are an investment that pays in both the short-term as well as the long. The thing that disturbs me lately, though, is how few adults seem to really care about politeness anymore. They don’t grant it to one another, they don’t always show consideration to children and the elderly, and there seems to be a rise in blatant insensitivity to others.

Just last week I watched a video of a newscast in Nashville, Tenn., in which a 911 operator expressed his indifference to whether or not a female caller lived or died at the hands of an attacker waiting outside her door. His exact wording can’t be reprinted in a family newspaper, but suffice it to say, he didn’t give a care.

Now, how exactly am I supposed to train my kids to be polite and respectful of others, in a world where our last lines of defense have given up the good fight?

Don’t get me started on customer service. The call centers are one thing, but you can’t even count on getting a smile when you spend a bundle in person. The cashier may be too busy scowling at the baggers who aren’t helping her out, or talking on her cell phone.

Is teaching kids to be friendly in a world that is so often hostile a good idea? I sometimes wonder if I’m setting my boys up as targets by teaching them to be respectful to people who don’t seem to care.

Drivers with road rage have brought their bad attitudes out of the car. They can now be clearly heard yelling at one another in the parking lot. I’ve been both a witness to this trend, as well as a target of it. Once while waiting for a child to cross in front of me, I was chastised by her mother for not pulling forward. My children jumped at the volume and choice of words the mother flung at us. My heart broke for the little girl whose mother would rather curse at strangers than make sure she didn’t get hit by my hulking mini-van.

Maybe I’m horribly out of touch in my thinking, but I’m still of the mind that good manners pay off in the long-run. I guess I’d rather my kids develop these skills, just in case they come back into fashion.

When it comes to teaching proper behavior on the fly, etiquette seems to reside in the DMZ somewhere between obedience and autonomy. Do you really want your child to say please and thank you only because you’ve taught her to? I want my kids to genuinely be thankful, more than I want them numbly repeating the “magic words.”

I like helping my kids send thank you notes, but only when they’re appropriate. You really don’t have to send one if you thank the gift-giver in person, according to Emily Post, but some people act like getting that thank you card in the mail was the whole reason they gave a gift in the first place. The idea that a friend or relative is keeping score on who has thanked them in a written letter just robs me of that good feeling the gift gave us.

It’s like it’s some kind of contest — maybe a tennis match. You lob a gift at us, we’ll lob a sub-standard-sized cream-colored envelope with a boring note inside at you. Doesn’t that sound fun? What a joy.

I don’t want to teach my kids “tit for tat.” I want to teach them to identify the sensation of gratitude I know they feel inside their hearts, and verbalize that gratitude in whatever way is appropriate, to the person who blessed them. Call me crazy, I know, but I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I should force my kids to thank people over and over again in writing, when my kids can barely write. It wastes paper, it wastes stamps, it wastes gas, and honestly — wasn’t their hug and kiss and “thank you” enough?

Here are my favorite points for talking to my kids about manners:

Saying “please.” It’s respectful, and not demanding. Everyone prefers to be asked nicely for something.

“Thank you.” That feeling of gratitude inside you should be voiced. Get used to it now, kid, you’re going to be saying it a lot as you grow up, or risk being labeled a jerk.

“Excuse me.” It’s not just for after dinner anymore. Say it in the grocery store if you’re trying to get around your fellow shopper. Say it before you have to interrupt someone, due to an emergency. Say it when you realize you are wrong. It lets others know that you know you’ve done something gross, or yelled too loudly, or taken up some of their personal space, or whatever. It’s basic humility, so versatile and well-received. Try it — you’ll like it.

Chewing with your mouth closed. Watching food squish around in your mouth grosses people out. Grossing people out is rude. Finish chewing and swallowing before you say “excuse me.”

Put your napkin in lap. It really will come in handy there. And while I won’t lose sleep over it, I love that the Harmon Family is rocking some old-school cool when we’ve all got our napkins on our laps, instead of scrunched into messy wads on the tabletop of the local diner.

Take turns. At the playground, at the library, at grandma’s house, at home, at the water fountain, anywhere, everywhere — show respect for one another. We all have fun when we all have fun together. No one has fun when you hog things to yourself.

Listening. This is my topic du jour. Every other thing I say to my oldest lately is followed by the question “Did you hear me?” I feel like Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, asking my child if he can hear the words that are coming out of my mouth. Listening shows others that you care what they are saying. I’m struggling with listening to my kids, as well, and I know I’ve got to set a better example in this regard. Life is just so full of things to do, and I get pulled so many directions. It’s really hard to give a discussion of Harry Potter or Star Wars my full attention at times, but I’m hoping our whole family will see improvement in this area soon.

In a culture where bringing up politics or religion is widely considered way more offensive than the constant barrage of murder-based news and entertainment, it seems to me that adults have to make a choice to be part of the solution, when it comes to manners and civility in general. Don’t tell each other that you don’t give a care whether you live or die, and don’t show as much silently through your everyday actions to strangers. Pick up the gauntlet, adults, whether you’re a parent yourself, or not. Kids will follow. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.



Leslea M. Harmon is a freelance writer and a wife and mother in New Albany. She loves receiving your polite comments at Leslea.Harmon@gmail.com or on LMHarmon.com

        

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