News and Tribune

November 12, 2012

CUMMINS: How to reverse the decline of men

Local columnist

— Two recent books, “The End of Men” and “The Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys,” should be a wake-up call for all of us men, who wish to retain our power. It all goes back to the creation of the male and the female.

We don’t know why God did it this way, but He had to have a plan for propagating this wonderful earth. He chose to unite these two diverse species into a brief coupling in order for one of them to give birth, which he chose as the female. Fertilization is an unusual and awkward process, frequently induced by flowers, candles and wine. Although man did not have to suffer through birth pains, he felt somewhat guilty for what he had done and thus accepted responsibility up to a point. While the mother cooked, cleaned and nursed, the father went hunting to provide food for her. It worked out quite well for him as he spent weeks at a time running down game and spearing them. It was fun and exciting like an early form of golf combined with tackle football.

The wife, however, found herself bored to tears sitting in a cold, dark cave with a clan of little ones. She’d wait and worry until he came home again dragging another antelope. She lived a tedious life, sewing skins, drying jerky and slaving over a hot fire coughing smoke. He’d stay home long enough to get her pregnant again, and then, accepting responsibility, he’d go out into magnificent scenery to fish and hunt. She’d beg him to stay and grow fruits and vegetables, but he said that, although it was a jungle out there, his fast growing clan needed protein. Besides, he couldn’t stand to be cooped up in a cave for more than a weekend.

The wife suffered confinement, boredom and a lack of civil rights during her life of “ease” as it was even in Biblical times. Isaiah wrote in 32:11: “Tremble, ye women that are at ease; be troubled, ye careless ones: strip you, and make you bare, and gird sackcloth upon your loins.” Men didn’t object to bare loins, but to his wife’s nagging him. Then Timothy said, “But I suffer not a women to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” Paul told the Corinthians, “Let your women keep silent in church…, for they are commanded to be under obedience.” Since wives couldn’t read back then, their husbands read these passages unto them.

Well, what happened was women became fed up with their role. “Role” is a term introduced to society during the 20th century, as was “liberation.” Thus, men began fighting the war known as “The Women’s Liberation Front,” and it was bloody. Wives said, “We provide the chamber in which a child is conceived. Then we are nauseous for months before fathers are forced to watch a live birth, which makes them pass out, the poor things.” When proud fathers came to, they said unto the mothers, “I must run to tell my friends about this miracle before they tee off at 1:13.”

What women did, while nursing and wiping vomit from their shoulders, then cooking dinner for the husband who said, “I’m exhausted,” was undergo schooling. It didn’t take long for women to excel at universities in law, science, economics and other fields where the good jobs were. And, defiance of Apostle Paul, they began speaking out in churches, the market place, and the most sacred realm of all — politics. Did you know the last three secretaries of state have been women and Nancy Pelosi spoke unendingly in the House? Let Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman speak at home all they want, but, otherwise, shut them up. Men, did you know that a woman president could get pregnant in the Lincoln bedroom? Imagine a Middle East crisis when President Hillary Clinton’s water brakes? 

Listen up, men. I’ve thought this through. Once they get control of the government, we’re dead. There’s only one way to reverse our decline. We must bring liberal and conservative men together. It will be worse than giving birth, but we must bury our hatchets before women bury us. We should begin by raising a trillion dollars to shower them with gifts. If that doesn’t work, we should run negative ads depicting them as weak. If that doesn’t work, negotiate, then compromise. As a last resort, make love, not war.

— Contact Terry Cummins at