News and Tribune


July 15, 2013

CUMMINS: The Tooth Fairy is a myth


Halloween is a time to teach ethics. Trick or treat is a valuable lesson necessary for introduction to the rat race. Each holiday teaches marketing skills, and kids also learn to distinguish colors during these holidays. Celebrating with red, green, orange and black candy is what kids live for. Easter is a Reese’s Egg, and Independence Day is remembered by the yellow on a hot dog. It’s the worst thing we do for them, rot their teeth. What happened to old-fashioned honesty?   

Consider the Tooth Fairy in the scheme of child guidance. To avoid pain, we tell kids dental drillers are good for them. We also tell them that God, angels and fairies protect them. There is no tooth angel, and God is too busy to drill teeth. So to lessen the trauma, we explain that when a tooth drops out, the Tooth Fairy leaves money (candy) under the pillow.   

We tell kids these things, and surprisingly, begin to believe in witches, fairies and Santa Claus ourselves. Think the lottery is not Santa in disguise? Government wants every day to be Christmas for you, and that’s why they employ elves to print money.

Two age groups fantasize — kids and the Grey Panther group. An elderly panther’s working body parts — sight, sound, knees and teeth — decay.  Believe in elves, angels, fairies, all magical and God, too. Try anything to bring relief, so I hooked up with a Tooth Fairy recently.

Biting and chewing are important to me. Here’s the deal: Dr. Pullum will extract all my stubs, crowns, roots and then install Hollywood teeth inside my mouth. He showed me a photo of George Clooney, smiling. He ground almonds into sawdust as he spoke. Sell my house, and he’d yank and install pearly whites bright as Heaven’s gates. 

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