News and Tribune

February 3, 2014

CUMMINS: Are men really becoming obsolete?

Local columnist

— Attention men! Do you know what women are doing? They used to be in the home tending to the children you sired, but not anymore. They’re out in the cruel business world and in the churning political vortex working toward making men obsolete. You may ask about procreation? Haven’t you heard of artificial insemination? It’s conducted by a technician and much more efficient. Will man ever serve any purpose whatsoever? Yes, he’ll welcome her home and serve dinner at seven.  

The historic male/female arrangement worked extremely well when men were in charge of everything. He took a wife who promised to obey, but he knew his vows could change like the weather did since he was out in it sledge-hammering away to earn a meager living for her. She accepted her plight and remained in the comforts of his home, where he kept her pregnant about half the time. The comfort of his home gave her time to think, but he couldn’t think with a sledgehammer in his hand battering his way through a jungle world, which she was isolated from.

Eventually, man realized she needed a social life with others older than a half-dozen little children. He suggested she attend quilting parties, but did she ever bring a quilt home to him? No, because she was organizing quilt party political caucus meetings. It took over two centuries for women to weed men out, and now you see pregnant women at work, and after a two-week vacation, they’re back on the job. Giving birth is significant, and maybe that’s why men feel insignificant. Driving her to the hospital doesn’t count. Women have one up on us. Wish I could give birth and contribute something worthwhile to mankind.

Women are thinking; Camille Paglia said that 2013 was the year “men became obsolete.” Earth shaking, but one reason for this is man often acts before he thinks. Thinking has been a waste of time for him, but it’s getting late. He must reassess where he stands, as he sees women gaining ground quickly on him. Paglia says it’s a “Women’s World,” citing the fact that women have had a 6.2 percent increase in the labor force during the past 30 years while men have lost 7.2 percent. Women now earn 57 percent of college degrees and they’ll soon receive 60 percent of all master’s degrees and 52 percent of the doctorates. Men should quit work and go back to school.

Tell me how women can give birth, go to work, win elections, and yet outlive men. According to the Wikipedia Bible, life expectancy in the U.S. ranks 35th in the world, which is another alarming story. U.S. women can expect to live 5.7 years (82.2) longer than men (76.5). It doesn’t seem fair, but there are several theories explaining this. One, men are sensitive to tenderness, which causes deep feelings, but we have difficulty finding words to express our powerfully explosive emotions. Women don’t understand why he won’t talk to her. We will, on the weekends after sports on TV end. I’ll wake you when I come to bed.

A second theory is men worry. You’re out there fighting every day to make ends meet. You see women gaining the ground you walk on, like your new CEO. The one thing we had going for us was POWER. But as women gain clout, it makes you feel like your muscles are locking up. The word you fear most is “takeover.” Talk about worry. You feel like Lee did, handing his sword to Grant at Appomattox.

I thought we were the stronger sex, or, women, the weaker sex. This blows the survivalist-of-the-fittest theory to smithereens. Do you see women squatting as defensive tackles in the NFL? No, they’re working on doctorates. Here’s what is really scary, women outnumber men. For every 100 people there are three more women. If women vote for women, the White House will become a permanent female fortress while all other Toms, Dicks and Terrys dust mop and drive their great-grandchildren to soccer and ballet — oh my God.

It’s about time cream rose through the ceiling. Men have had their chance ever since the Greeks went into contemplation. Face it, we blew it. Look at Congress. I saw (no kidding) a distinguished senator recently on TV blaming our country’s demise on an Oval Office man corrupted by a woman.  Who’s to say we wouldn’t be better off if Monica Lewinsky had been elected Speaker of the House?

— Contact Terry Cummins at