News and Tribune


June 18, 2013

BEAM: Cat on a hot fluffy carpet


Tall gates at the top of the stairs? His hanging pooch of a belly skims the top as he flies ungracefully over the obstacle. Chemical sprays meant to deter felines from the area? Instead of just squatting, the chemicals cause him to roll around the area in a drug induced stupor before doing his business. Locking him in his own room with fresh kitty litter? The little sneak sprays outside the box in protest then manages to escape, a cat burglar shaking his crooked tail all the way to the illicit hallway upstairs.

In his defense, Ramzi is a man, albeit a neutered one. And all women know that any male has difficulties when attempting to pee in a designated area. 

With two boys living in the house, my bathroom at times resembles the aftereffects of someone shaking a carbonated bottle of Mountain Dew, opening it and turning in circles like a sprinkler until it completely empties. Ramzi, named aptly after a convicted terrorist, must be following in their footsteps. 

After getting fed up with the nuisance, we took Ram to the vet and hoped and prayed something was physically wrong with the animal. Broken bladders can be easier to fix than broken minds. Unfortunately, the diagnosis was the latter. Stress, she said, can lead to this behavior. I laughed and wondered how an animal that sleeps away more than two-thirds of their existence could possibly be frazzled. 

Then I began to notice things, gruesome things. Just like in prison, house cats have a pecking order. So do dogs, even though mysteriously mine seem to follow the devious feline’s orders. 

In my home, my five other mutts and kitties have formed a makeshift gang of convenience and assign Ram the role normally given to a female dog. I won’t talk about the ungodly acts I have witnessed. Let’s just say a cat doesn’t have to drop soap in the shower for unwanted advances to occur. 

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