Published: July 15, 2008 01:33 am            

HUTSELL: Save your time on All-Star night

If you’ve been a loyal reader, you know one of my favorite things to do every year is sit down and watch the Major League Baseball All-Star game. It’s fun, I enjoy it and since my allegiance falls with the American League I typically walk away happy (the last N.L. victory in the Mid-Summer Classic came back in 1947 if I remember correctly).

This year, in an odd twist though, the game is played at the fourth rung of Hades — a place most people politely refer to as Yankee Stadium. It’s being torn down and this is supposed to be a nostalgic event for fans.

Look, I refuse — under any circumstance — to root for the home team at Yankee Stadium.

It doesn’t happen — ever.

Not even with seven Red Sox on the 2008 A.L. team. Not even Terry Francona acting as manager. Not even with the possibility of home-field advantage in the World Series on the line (Boston is 8-0 in the World Series this decade. That has yet to matter at this point).

My response to the quandary is to simply not watch. As far as I’m concerned the game has been played and it went like this.

• 8 p.m. — We’re live on Fox Television as the camera catches the first fan spotted with a “Derek Jeter, Will You Marry Me Sign?” Oddly it belongs to Fox lead color commentator Tim McCarver.

• 8:01 — Joe Buck makes his opening-game comments and pitches it over to McCarver.

• 8:22 — McCarver’s opening monologue concludes just in time to catch the first pitch to American League leadoff batter Ichiro.

This is noteworthy because the American League is batting second and McCarver talked through the opening half-inning — mentioning his playing days, Derek Jeter, what he would do if Derek Jeter thought of retiring only to change his mind like Brett Favre, how Derek Jeter would make a good running mate for Barack Obama and about the time he walked into the Yankee locker room and Derek Jeter was walking out the door at the same time and they had one of those awkward moments when one guy tried to go one way, but the other guy went the same way at the same time and how they both laughed about it.

• 8:23 — Ichiro grounds out to bring up Jeter’s spot in the lineup. McCarver falls silent and draws little hearts around the Yankee captain with the telestrator.

• 8:24 — Jeter homers off N.L. starter Ben Sheets. McCarver cries. It’s 1-0 A.L.

• 8:33 — The N.L. mounts a short threat in the top of the second when starting third baseman Alex Rodriguez boots a grounder while attempting to read a handbook on alimony laws in the state of Florida. McCarver shoots a text message to Jeter that reads “see if Alex and Madonna wanna meet up l8ter. Thanx, Timmy.”

• 8:34 — Manny Ramirez makes an amazing over-the-shoulder grab with his hat on a hard-hit ball by Chicago’s Geovanny Soto to end the top of the second. He then climbs the fence and wanders off to a merchandise booth and tries to buy one of his own replica jerseys.

“I don’t know if he’ll be back,” McCarver says.

“That is Manny being Manny I guess,” bellows Buck.

• 8:37 — Ramirez returns, homers to lead off the second and rounds the bases with his index finger in the air while driving on one of those “Segway” scooters. “Just Manny well, you know” exclaims Buck.

• 9:14 — Some uneventful innings pass with the lone highlight being the pinch-hitting appearance of Washington Nationals shortstop Christian Guzman. “This is the man behind some of the greatest moments in Nationals history,” explains McCarver. Buck shoots him an angry look for several minutes.

• 9:30 — A two-run single by Texas’ Josh Hamilton in the fifth gives the A.L. a 5-0 advantage. N.L. manager Clint Hurdle inserts Cincinnati pitcher Edinson Volquez. Fox uses the graphic “Edinson Volquez now has just 104 more innings before his first Dusty Baker-related arm injury.” Buck also reminds viewers that Volquez and fellow Reds rookie Johnny Cueto saved $4,000 by booking their first Tommy John surgeries at the same time.

• 9:31 — Former Baker ace Mark Prior began laughing uncontrollably at that statement, attempted to slap his knee and strained his rotator cuff. He was immediately placed on the 15-day D.L. in his own personal fantasy baseball league.

• 9:45 — Milwaukee’s Corey Hart is beaned by Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Orange County, Calif., in the United States of America located in North America pitcher Joe Saunders. Saunders is ejected. After the game, Saunders tells reporters that he didn’t appreciate Hart’s insistence on wearing sunglasses at night.

• 9:48 — San Diego’s Adrian Gonzalez drives in Hart and Houston’s Miguel Tejeda with a two-run double. It’s 5-2, A.L. Atlanta’s Brian McCann then homers to make it 5-3.

• 9:55 — After two more N.L. batters reach, Francona inserts his closer Jonathan Papelbon to get out of the seventh inning. After Papelbon fans, Florida’s Dan Uggla to escape the inning, my buddy Bob reacts with a text message that I uncomfortably decide to label “McCarver-esque.”

• 9:59 — Unfortunate moment between innings as Rays third baseman Evan Longoria-Parker is injured after he was trampled by a throng of Rays fans fleeing the bandwagon. A seven-game losing streak by Tampa is to blame.

•10:20 — With the score 5-3 entering the top of the ninth, everyone assumes Francona will turn the bottom of the ninth inning over to Yankee closer Mariano Rivera. But the Red Sox skipper creates a riot when the bullpen door opens and out runs Kansas City closer Joakim Soria.

“I would have picked Rivera,” says McCarver — stating the obvious.

“Bold move, Tim,” exclaims Buck.

• 10:21 — Fox shows a close-up of a confused Rivera. Quote McCarver: “Derek Jeter once told me that if he could give the ball to any pitcher in the ninth inning, it would be Mariano Rivera.”

• 10:22 — After a minute of silence, Buck simple says — “Tim, shut up.”

• 10:30 — Soria gets two outs, then walks the bases loaded. Fox has opted now to show a split screen with Rivera watching in stunned silence.

• 10:31 — Francona goes to the mound, pulls Soria. The bullpen opens and out charges Baltimore’s George Sherrill. Francona is now escorted from the building by a strong police detail.

• 10:33 — A two-run single by New York Mets’ David Wright ties the game. Rivera is finally inserted and fans Pittsburgh’s Nate McLouth. Francona explains he’s always had problems “figuring this bullpen thing out.”

• 10:36 — With the game tied, Jeter slaps his second home run of the game — a walk-off shot off of Philadelphia’s Brad Lidge that gives the A.L. a 6-5 victory.

Yankee Stadium erupts.

A-Rod takes a break from calculating his alimony payments to greet his teammate at the plate, Rivera cuts short his manhunt for Francona to celebrate being the winning pitcher, McCarver cries. Jeter is MVP and for one night at least it’s not so bad that the Yankees get to enjoy their moment.

Contact Mike Hutsell at mike.hutsell@newsandtribune.com.

        

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