Published: November 08, 2006 12:51 pm      

VALVANO: As a matter of fact, I am talking to you

This defies common sense. I mean, this is my first column and I sound like I am chastising all of you.

That’s just bad business. But, I hope you will indulge me and realize:

1. I am including all of us sports parents in this.

2. My passion for this topic is very strong.

3. I think we are literally in an epidemic that is seriously damaging sports and the young people who play it.

4. You should blame my father, not me. He is the driving force behind this.

What are we even talking about?

It’s the fact that even well-meaning, seemingly level-headed parents have gone out-of-control ga-ga over sports and our kids. We even sap our youth of the love of the sports they play, often burning them out at a ridiculously early age.

We ask them to specialize and commit to one sport so early we don’t give them a chance to find out which it is they can really excel at, or more importantly which they really love.

We use the games as a vicarious opportunity for our disappointing athletic careers, or to try to revisit the glory of our successful ones. We make children cry and sad, and demand they excel, all in the pseudo-psychological jargon of “fulfilling their potential.”

My good friend has an 8-year-old daughter who is a good soccer player. His travel team coach called a Saturday morning practice at 7:15. Her father recognizing the child had a long difficult week at school, decided not to wake her up at 6 a.m. in order be on time.

They arrived at 7:45. The coach assembled the girls and said, “Mary (not her name), if you can’t commit to get here on time, you can’t play on my soccer team.” Mary started to cry from embarrassment.

After practice, the father approached the coach and said, “Look, don’t blame her … She is 8 years old. She can’t drive here herself … I made the decision to bring her late. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk like that to her in front of the entire team. I think that was inappropriate.”

The coach said, “Don’t you tell me how to talk to my players. I will run my team the way I want to.”

We are talking about 8-year-old soccer!

This isn’t some crazed hockey fight in New England. This isn’t “them.” This is us, this is here.

To paraphrase the old comic strip Pogo, when it comes to our kids and sports, “We have met the enemy and he is us!”

The fact that a seemingly rational human being could think he outranks the child’s own parent in deciding how to deal with her, and that he keeps referring to it as “his” team, should scare you as much as the knowledge that there are parents lined up to hand their little 7- and 8-year-old Mia Hamms over to this man.

After all, he wins.

What does that say about us?

If you don’t want to believe me, listen to two guys who know.

Archie Manning, who has done a pretty good job raising quality sons and not-so-bad football players in boys Eli and Peyton, had this to say when asked what the key is for sports parents:

“It’s pretty simple … go to the games … sit in the very top row …and keep your mouth shut.”

Does that sound like you?

Former major leaguer Cal Ripken Jr. says much the same.

He actually thinks the games would be better for the kids if the parents were eliminated totally.

He is probably right — the kids would solve problems themselves, develop their own love for the game, and not play it for someone else which is far too frequently the case. Short of keeping all the grown-ups away, Ripken says their role at the games should be reduced to applauding.

Criticize no one, don’t “help” the coach from the stands and for goodness sake stay off the umpires, often volunteers.

What kind of a message does that send to your kids?

My father was a semi-professional baseball and basketball player, who coached for more than 25 years at the high school level, and officiated at the college level equally as long.

After my games as a little leaguer in any sport, he asked me only two questions — Did you have fun? What did you learn?

That was it.

If I didn’t have fun he wanted to know why.

Was I playing against my will, to fulfill perceived dreams of parents or siblings? (This goes on way more often than most of you think.) Or worse, was there an abusive coach or teammate?

He was still a parent and we all have to monitor that.

Keep in mind he wasn’t asking as a means of second guessing the coach. My father knew more about almost every sport I played than all my youth coaches.

But the message always was — he or she is the boss. You pay attention and listen.

The second part is equally important.

He believed there was never a time you set foot on the practice or game field where, when you came off, you hadn’t learned something to make you better.

Whether you had a great coach, good coach, poor coach — it was irrelevant. The responsibility to learn and get better was mine, as it should be for all players. By observing and trying to solve problems yourself every day you should get better and learn.

Moreover, it instilled a love and enthusiasm for the games and their subtleties that made me love them and appreciate them even more. Not to mention it helped speed my personal problem-solving skills and growing independence.

Hey, isn’t that what youth sports are supposed to do?

If he got good answers to those two simple questions, it was a good day on the field or in the gym.

If not — and here I am talking to you, to all of us — it doesn’t matter how many points your player scored or what trophies he or she got, or how many minutes of playing time he or she got or didn’t get.

Answer those two questions right and you have got a good youth sports team. Have your players answer those questions right and you are doing a great job as your youth team coach.

Get them wrong and you have done nothing at best, big time damage at worst.

Did you have fun? What did you learn?

Sometimes the most profound lessons are rooted in the simplest questions.

Bob Valvano is the father of a young athlete and lives in Sellersburg and can be reached via e-mail at bobvshow@yahoo.com. He is a former college basketball coach and current radio show host on ESPN Radio.