There are two ways to live life — scientifically or the natural way. Our citizenry is now struggling, due in part to the scattered brains at the top. It’s like rotten eggs scrambled for the main course. Fortunately, mental scientists understand this, and have developed artificial intelligence to assist floundering societies, including each man and woman.

It takes a man and woman to tango, so to speak. To let nature run its course and to propagate our species, a tightly joined man and a woman understand why they were put here. Don’t worry yet about food, medicine and admission to Harvard. Enjoy the “little’ squirts” while you can.

Back during simpler times, childbirth was a natural extension of the life force. Fathers knew how to raise children the old-fashioned way when children were to be seen but not heard. Now, parents shut up and delight in everything children say, do and feel.

My wife and I saw eye-to-eye on raising our four children, except when I did not see things clearly A mother has an advantage. She carries a baby in her womb for nine months where both begin forming an undying bond. The baby already knows its mother provides milk on the spot and what sacred transactions they are. A father gawks at his new baby, dumbfounded. My first assignment: Baby needs a diaper change and don’t wash it to save money, throw it away. Second assignment: Get lost, go gather food and clothing and fix the commode.

Noted pediatrician Dr. Robert C. Hamilton, author of “7 Secrets of the Newborn,” says, “The perfect age is 3 months.” He explained that 3-month-old babies coo, flash smiles, sleep longer and wake up happy. They do coo and smile each time they wake up, but often when mine woke up and saw me, they frequently burst out crying. Their mother would then take them, leaving me puzzled as to why fathers don’t have the “touch” that mothers do.

I do know that at age 4 my children began asking “why.” If I said, “Because I said so,” it can make family life much worse. Not only are mother’s life-givers, they are also peacemakers. Fathers are considered a bystander, nearly destroying their ego.

It’s a critical year when children reach age 14, to determine whether to go with the boring flow or to rebel against it.

Families play politics, too. To get what they want, children promise to be good and are before Christmas. Mothers are too busy to run for the Head of the Household. Although family units prefer a representative democracy, many fathers keep trying traditional dictatorial methodologies, which are doomed to fail.

Then at age 18, children become legally free to leave home and start a family. Mothers mourn and sulk; fathers hide their glee. But fathers still have a role to play. While mothers happily knit bonnets for a new grandbaby, fathers should consistently call their wayward children, offering his wisdom attained through hard knocks. If they don’t want any more advice, he tells them to call if they need anything.

As the parents are trying to relax after years of strife, a message is recorded on their phone: Hey mom and dad, think of you often when we’re not tied up with our kids. Do us a favor and we’ll pay you back when Ernie balances our checkbook. We desperately need a two-week vacation to recuperate on a secluded beach. It would be good for our wonderful but worrisome five kids, and our shattered nerves could be restored again. And from a current sedentary life, your lives could be rejuvenated to a renewed state of intense activation, just like the old days when you prayed that we’d mature. And did we ever.

One added benefit, our daughters take after their noble grandmother. Our boys remind us of dad; daring, decisive and determined. They could profit from his influence, if he doesn’t go off the deep end again. As we lie on the beach meditating, we’ll remain confident they’re in good hands, if you two don’t disagree on child psychology. What are parents for, other than to bring their kids up prepared to live a good life?

If there’s no major objections, we’ll dump them off next Tuesday. Can’t stay long, got a flight to catch. The flights families take determines happiness.

We survived that vacation ordeal but later a granddaughter called: Knew you’d want to know that I’m pregnant. See you at the hospital.

— Contact Terry Cummins at

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