“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
— Comedian George Carlin
During these days and nights of semi-quarantine, occasionally I have ventured out into virus-filled public for a to-go meal or for some much-needed grocery shopping. On an afternoon this past week I happened to do both in one day. At the end of the day I again realized the sometimes comfort — no, make that necessity — of staying home and not encountering some members of polite society.
Let me preface today’s essay by stating unequivocally that I am no Brad Pitt. If I were a celebrity likeness it would be close to the love child of Sonny Bono and Bobby Goldsboro. Kids, ask your grandpa.
So, since I might be sounding a bit judgmental, I only have as my purpose to remind those who have some level of pride and/or a full length mirror in your house to take a peak every now and then before you venture into the view of an unsuspecting public. Let me put it this way, understanding and having full knowledge knowing my looks and probably age-appropriate physique I would never wear a Speedo to the beach.
Not everyone apparently has such self-awareness.
I have never been a fan of the sagging pants look. For me it is kind of like tattoos — I have never seen a person whom I thought looked better with either than they would have without. Personal preference. I am prepared for the hate mail.
Anyway, as I was leaving Kroger one afternoon and was going toward the mandatory exit, I was kind of rudely cut off by an emerging cart from an adjacent lane for whom 6 feet meant about as much as a fashion sense. The person was accompanied by three small children.
I say person as I am assuming it was a female, however, would hedge any financial bets on the subject. As soon as they cut in front of me they started going unusually slow toward the mandatory all-shoppers-must-exit-this-way door and the three small children were pretty distracting.
What was much more visually disturbing for me was the fact that the “lady” had on some jeans that were seemingly oversized for the hips and by stating this I will add these were some large jeans. My immediate thought was the sagging look and those jeans had already exceeded the long sagging T-shirt protective visual barrier and were dangerously close to revealing some bare buttocks.
Even on a lovely young lady who had the appropriate figure that might provide a pleasant view I find it kind of inappropriate to view certain parts of someone’s body in a well-lit public setting. In the Kroger case it might have driven me to therapy for a sight I would have never been able to un-see.
Every single side-to-side step was closer to bringing the house down and I was kind of stressed. I had only opted for a simple shopping trip and now was being potentially exposed to the world’s probably most unwanted peep show.
I will leave Kroger a moment and then take you to a Hardee’s drive-thru trip where I only wanted to order French fries, and the fries were not even for me. I hate drive-thru dining and will be very thankful when I never have to use them again. There was one car in front of me that took several minutes to order. I suspected it was either a very large or unusually complicated order.
The curb diner then pulled a bit ahead of the drive-thru window and stopped. Of course, my fries were immediately dispensed, and I paid only to find the driver ahead of me stopped and blocking my exit from the concrete walled-in drive-thru lane. I sat for a couple of seconds and very politely hit my horn in an almost spontaneous and instantaneous nearly non-audible honk.
The man driving the car rolled his window down and very sternly addressed me, “She told me to wait right here!” I then kind of politely but possibly with a smirk in my voice responded, “Sir, I am sure if you pull ahead about 5 feet and wait over there, she will bring it to you.”
Of course, he didn’t budge until he got his order.
OK, in the scope of life, seeing the world’s largest naked behind while exiting Kroger or waiting on another guy who thinks they only deliver a sandwich if you park in the drive-thru lane and hold up everyone else isn’t the worst day you can have.
After all, the jeans stopped perilously short of an actual viewing and in fairness it was only a couple minutes for his order to be brought to the car.
The safety and relative serenity of quarantine will not last forever. I guess I must wean myself from it and prepare myself for the more insane world of once again interacting with the general public.