“I don’t always kill things but when I do it’s because there are things and I am a bear!”

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Sometimes I try to make things up for humor sake. I try and I try. But real life always seems to be funnier than anything I come up with on my own. I can never top Shannon Stevens.

First, Shannon lives in Alaska. Alaska is so much different from any place on earth. Alaska is true wilderness. Alaska is the land of dreams and in some cases the home of nightmares. Shannon recently lived out among the worst nightmares I can imagine.

And she answered an age-old question about whether a wild bear does something in the woods! I am getting ahead of myself. The question that is answered is if Shannon Stevens does something in the woods. And she does apparently!

First, when you hear someone is staying at a remote camp in Alaska, you ask yourself one question — Why? When I think of a remote camp, I would say I think of a KOA campground in such a remote place as Shepherdsville. And to be honest, Shepherdsville is a place that can kind of scare me. Alaska and in the remote is out of the question.

Alaska is home to such animals as the wolverine, which has been known to take down a bear in a fight. Alaska is home to the polar bear — an animal that is known to attack, kill and eat humans. There are other such animals in Alaska such as moose and wolves. I suspect even salmon can be dangerous if you are eating one and a bone gets stuck in your throat!

I will just say this: Alaska is probably one of the most beautiful places on earth, but I do not have a desire to take a nature call in Alaska in the middle of the night.

So, let’s just play out this scenario. It is the middle of the evening in Alaska and you must go to potty. Before I lay out this scenario, let me just say that the camping spot where this incident took place was 17 miles from the nearest town by snowmobile.

I am quoting Shannon directly here where she said, “Normally, when we are out there in the summer or fall, I am used to shouting, ‘Hey bear!’”

I am no bear expert, but I am not sure, “Hey, bear” is all that menacing to an animal that weighs 600-800 pounds. I might be more apt to holler, “Hey, sir” or “Hey, your majesty!”

Anyway, Shannon proceeded to sit down on the outhouse seat in remote Alaska 17 miles from the nearest real bathroom. To quote Shannon from a news account I read, “Something just immediately bit me in the butt!”

If there is someone crazier than Shannon on this story is might just be her brother, Eric. Somehow, he had the fortitude to lift the outhouse seat and stare into the outhouse with his his headlamp. When he did, he saw what was described as a “gigantic” bear. (And really is there any other kind in an outhouse?)

Eric said he believed the bear might have been attracted by the aroma of what they were cooking that night. One can only be left to his own imagination what was being cooked that made the bear want to hide out in the outhouse just to catch a sniff.

I am not one to bare it all out in the woods, but I guess sometimes when you must go, well.

Carl Koch, who was listed in a news story as a biologist for the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, said it could have possibly been a black bear, but he could not be certain. It’s those Monday morning quarterbacks that always have an opinion. One would think when a bear bites you in the buttocks it might leave an imprint somewhat different from most animals.

Gives a whole new meaning to the old expression, “Sometimes you have to just grin and bear it!”

And now we have an answer to where a bear sits in the woods!

Lindon Dodd is a freelance writer who can

be reached at lindon.dodd@hotmail.com.

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