“What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?” — Salman Rushdie

OK, officially the best Christmas of my life. Obviously risking exaggerated hyperbole, I just feel this to be true. Anyway, I thought I would share with you some updated Christmas carols.

Please feel free to loudly sing-along just like you do in church when you drown out the choir with flat and sharp notes sung with total conviction.

Omicron, Oh Omicron

(To the tune of O Christmas Tree)

Oh, Omicron, Oh Omicron

You are so madly incessant

Oh Omicron, Oh, Omicron

Your appeal is effervescent

Spreading ‘round, both night and day

Don’t know tomorrow. What they’ll say

Oh, Omicron, Oh Omicron

Please don’t leave me a present!

Grandma Got Run Over by A Dump Truck

co-written by Rhonda Stearman Kelley

(To the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer)

(chorus) Grandma got run over by a dump truck

Driving from our house on Christmas Eve

You may say there are so such things as Road Closed signs

As for me and grandpa, we believe

(Verse) She left home in search of Olde Towne

A dozen eggs for her new nog,

Hit a sinkhole and fell straight down

Knocked old grandma out just like a log

(chorus)

(Verse) Snow was falling, twas” sleeting badly

Ground barely covered, just her luck

But it ended much too sadly

‘Neath the wheels of a loaded big dump truck

(chorus)

I will never take that route again

The corner of Maple and of Meigs

Be it snow, or sleet or raining

Forever from now on that grandma’s digs

(Chorus)

The Little Trumper Boy

(To the tune of The Little Drummer Boy)

Run, they told me

Trump-trump-a-trump-trump!

You can beat Joey

Trump-trump-a-trump trump

A resurrection

Trump-trump-a-trump trump

No insurrection

Trump-trump-a-trump-trump

Trump-a-trump-trump

Trump-a-trump trump!

This time it’s just me

Trump-trump-a-trump trump

No freakin’ GOP!

Trump-trump-a-trump trump

I’ll have no VP

Trump-trump-a-trump trump

It’s just I and me

Trump-trump-a-trump trump

Trump-a-trump trump

Trump-a-trump trump

Just me and my Trump……

“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”

(To the tune of I’ll Be Home for Christmas)

I’ll be home for Christmas, Fauci says I can

Please don’t ask. Just wear your mask

Sitting six feet from the tree

Christmas Day after will find us

In our own self-imposed quarantine

I’ll be home for Christmas

Carrying my can of Listerine

I’ll be home for Christmas

Just stopped by my bank

I will go, but won’t have dough

I just filled up the tank!

Couldn’t bring my presents

Back ordered now since June

I’ll be home for Christmas

With traffic it won’t be soon!

Lindon Dodd is a freelance writer who can be reached at lindon.dodd@hotmail.com

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